The father-son conversation reminded me a lot of a deleted scene from Donnie Darko between Jolmes Osbourne and Jake Gyllenhaal.
Well maybe not animals, but something. Just something that the audience will rembember, and then forget it once the movie gets into full swing.
The father-son conversation reminded me a lot of a deleted scene from Donnie Darko between Jolmes Osbourne and Jake Gyllenhaal.
I've read way to much today, so I've basically read your first two pages. Here comes critisism.
You write too much. You try to be too beautiful and original with your words. It doesnt make it clearer, just makes me wonder what the hell you're meaning with it. I just want to know what the heck is going on.
Page 1:
A car crashes.
Page 2:
You see? It's that simple. Overexaggerated, oh yes. But just let us know what you want the audience(the camera) to see. It's too poetic. You write well. Of course. But maybe too well. If you know what I mean.
I have to squeeze my eyes all the goddamn time. I need sleep.
And a 'tobey' and a 'tobeys father'. I think its better if you wont use two tobeys in front of a name.
Ok, just read the 7 pages. The above comment was more or less meant for your first page. The writing in the others is fine.
The story also started kicking in all of a sudden. I started getting interested in Tobey, getting all the girls. Then his mother - wham. Want to know, but you cut to someone else. Again, interesting and wham - someone else. I'd probably read more if I can open my eyes properly.
Just a few things
1) I like it. Very interesting. i like how you describe scenes. Short. To the point. Not proper sentences.
2) For the flashback issue, take out the '5 years eairler. Just don't have it in there. Instead, just make the scene memorable. Say start with a radio announcer saying "in local news, 12 pigs have esaped from a nearby farm." Then have the pigs like walking around on the side of the road as the car speeds past. Then when you get the opening scene in chronological order during the movie, just have the guy driving turn on the radio. "in local news, 12 pigs have esaped from a nearby farm." comes on and bamm. The audience will now rembember this seemingly useless bit info that you told them at the begining. They'd forgot about it until now. Its that moment of realization that you strive for in moviemaking.
I agree. Id rather visualize than superimpose "5 years earlier"
Im not sold on the radio pigs, though.
But maybe SHEEP!!!! [img]graemlins/sheep.gif[/img]
Oh, and the car heading towards NEWARK INTNL AIRPORT is an actual location. No farms nearby. [img]wink.gif[/img]
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 10, 2004 12:39 AM: Message edited by: GREATwarEAGLE ]</font>
i was pleased to find out when i was reading the book How not to write screenplay that everyone in the movie business hates to read. There i was worrying that i was in some way lazy becos i didnt like it. The reason the author mentioned it was becos he argues many scripts are killed simply becos they dont make it easy enough for these people who hate to read to get through. You have to make it so its not a chore.
Im not saying your script was a chore to read. Im going one step further and saying i didnt even get past the first few lines becos im that lazy when it comes to reading!
ANATOMY OF A PAGE:
emjen, I shall dissect page one for you. This actually makes for a good exercise.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Later in the script, towards the end, when this scene reappears in chronology, the reader will recall everything because it is familiar. In chronology, there are interior scenes in the bar just before the crash. I've sat down with people who, when reading this part (in the end) say, "wait a minute, this looks familiar", therby building tension and suspense because they know the crash is coming up. But its important that they dont know who it is yet, which is why...BLACK
Music muffled by a lively bar crowd is blaring from inside
nearby. Brief amplification as a door is heard flying open,
crunching footsteps stomp into the gravel.
A nearby car door is opened then slammed shut. Ignition
fires-up, tires peel, spitting asphalt. The car speeds away,
engine roaring, fading away.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I dont wanna say why yet, but it's also important that they know about the airport. And the fact that the light is green, meaning they have the right-of-way, they're not expecting a collision. It's also important because it means that the driver who collided with them ran a red light - All there for a reason.INT. CAR - NIGHT
Dark. Silhouetted, the unidentifiable DRIVER speeds towards
an overpass. A green sign: NEWARK INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT NEXT
RIGHT hangs from the oncoming structure. He shoots through,
crossing a narrow bridge.
An off ramp leads to a haunting stretch of road. In the
distance a faint light becomes recognizable as a green
traffic light.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Jut writing "car crash" is too vague. As revealed later, its important that the crash was brutal, but the car wasnt actually demloished, or didnt explode (even tough that's silly). And the sock puppet thing:He reaches the middle of the intersection. SMASH!
Broadsided by an unseen vehicle. It's a loud, hard collision.
The thundering impact spins the car around, windows breaking,
metal bending, tires screeching. The Driver is tossed around
like a sock puppet. As the car skids an abrupt thud tosses
it once over, landing upside down. It teeters to a stop.
-gives you an idea of the drivers limp body, that he wasnt safetly fastend to a seatbelt
-adds a touch of humor, avoiding melodrama(or at least trying)
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">The fact that the chaos settles and theres no movement from the driver tells you - he aint ok. And his body position is important "upper body spread outside" because another character eventually sees him. It's quicker and easier if his face is outside of the car.The chaos settles. Peace. Silence. No movement from the
Driver. He's sprawled out through the broken passenger's
side window. Upper body spread outside, legs mangled inside.
There's no way he survived.
I could have just said that he's dead. But by saying "there's no way he survived" reinforces the seriousness of the injury. And it's the kinda thought I'd have after watching the crash and then seeing his body.
What are the beautiful and original words and poetry you commented about? Just outta curiosity.
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 10, 2004 04:11 PM: Message edited by: GREATwarEAGLE ]</font>
First of all, English is not my language. Some words are just too difficult for me. When reading a book I might know their meaning, out of context sorta speak. But reading them now, it's just a lot of guessing while reading.
Music muffled by a lively bar crowd is blaring from inside nearby. Brief amplification as a door is heard flying open,
crunching footsteps stomp into the gravel.
The thing is, you make me concentrate. Reading screenplays is a joy because you can get into a story without actually reading it.
I know what you mean, i just didnt find it very clear.
If I remember correctly, the beginning of 12 monkeys is also the same as the ending. Maybe you can check that out and learn from that David Peoples guy. It's really great stuff - makes you memorize things without concentrating. (If I remember correctly of course).
And by reading your screenplay, you don't want us to see what you write but only hear or something? Because that's how it reads?
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">That's exactly right. That's why it begins withAnd by reading your screenplay, you don't want us to see what you write but only hear or something? Because that's how it reads?
BLACK
And why Im only describing sounds, in the first two paragraphs, concealing the character's identity, but the audience still knows what's happening.
And I do appreciate your comments, emjen.
Oh yeah, almost forgot. It's also important that the car is never revealed, until the end. Which is why the entire scene takes place inside the dark car, the driver is silhouetted and all we see is the oncoming road. Basically the driver's POV.
Definitly a tricky thing to pull off.
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